pretty glow

Forget I ever mentioned Ryan
...written on 09.16.04, @ 12:22 am

The last two weeks of updates that mention anything to do with Ryan� let�s just pretend they didn�t happen. If we all ignore the last two weeks or so� they�ll go away.

If you�re a guy and might be offended by some serious upcoming man hating you might want to just read an entry that occurred prior to two weeks ago. K� great. If you�re brave and stay� please know I�m not talking about you� just every other fucking man on the planet.

/rant on

I hate feeling like I�m second guessing myself and having to go with my gut. I hate questioning my thought process. I hate even remotely feeling like there�s a problem because then I start analyzing and picking things apart. Yes, I�m a fucking psycho stalker sometimes. Oh well. This time I hit pay dirt and Ryan can go fuck himself. I stopped by his house to drop something off this afternoon. I know. I�m crazy, get over it. I called on my way there and he didn�t answer. Shocking right? I get there and his car is there. Shocking some more, I know. I go up and knock on the door and guess what? Some girl answers the fucking door in her sweats, bra practically falling out of the front of her shirt. I looked right at her and said, �hi, I just stopped to give this to Ryan� and handed it to her. I look up and Ryan is standing in the kitchen with his shirt off. I waved like the bitch that I am and left. I�m sure it was probably �S� because she looked like she might have just popped a kid out and what not and I�m sure there�s probably some logical excuse for the whole thing. The fact that he didn�t answer his phone and he�s suspiciously only calling or answering his phone when he�s not home isn�t helping his case. I�m not stupid (I know I say I am a lot but I�m not). I�m not even so much pissed about the girl part. I�m pissed that he couldn�t just say to me, �I want more from you� or �I don�t want more from you�. Why is that so fucking hard for the male population to grasp? I�ve only met a few men that actually say what they want regardless of what they think I�m going to feel about it. I�m not 5 fucking years old. I can handle whatever you have to say to me (I had someone break up with me because he thought I was too heavy for his tastes and I didn�t even cry about it. In fact, I loved the honesty)� so just fucking say it and stop being a chicken shit. I even told YD that I was giving it one more week before I bailed because the whole thing was sending me down this �bobby� road and I don�t like how that feels. He says enough to me to keep me on the hook but keeps me at arm�s length. Fuck that shit. You�re either in or you�re out. Make up your mind. If you just wanted to fuck me� then say so. You didn�t have to say things that led me to believe you wanted something more. I know it�s hard to comprehend that women are sexual creatures capable of just having sex but we are and we can. Deal with it. I�m not calling the bastard. Regardless of what his excuse is I obviously can�t continue to see him if I�m getting this worked up about it. I don�t do drama and that�s what this is turning out to be.

My next issue is with Troy. So I mentioned I went to the 25th Anniversary party on Saturday and it was fabulous. They had a ride in chopper show/contest. There was some stunning metal sitting in that parking lot. Anyway, I went by myself because my parents were out of town and that�s just how it worked out. I watched all the festivities, flirted with one of the sales guys that�s been there for years, and just watched all the people. Vinny ran into me at one point and gave me a kiss in passing (while calling me his sweet angel, god I love that man) and said something about my mom buying a new bike which means Troy said something to him about it. I won�t lie. I was hoping to see Troy while I was there. Regardless of what our past might have been we�re still close friends and I have a right to say hi at least. The problem was that his bitchy, pregnant girlfriend was attached to his god damn hip all night which meant I wouldn�t get to say hi without getting introduced to her. Fine, whatever, she won (or cheated at winning I suspect) and I can handle that. I just don�t want to deal with it knowing the things that Troy has said to me in the relatively recent past. Why does he have to be such an asshead? I swear to god. For years, he was all I wanted. I remained friends with him because I genuinely wanted to be friends but of course I was also just sort of waiting it out because he�s always made comments or we�ve had conversations about the future (this falls under the heading of �don�t say shit that you don�t mean.. or mean what you say�). Incidentally he�s the one that stopped �seeing me� because he thought I was too heavy. At the time he was right and I knew it so I didn�t get too upset about it. We were also pretty young and he was more interested in the appearance of things. We�ve both grown up a lot and he even apologized for that. He told me he was an idiot. When he started dating the trap artist he said she suited his purposes. How romantic. At least he knew what he was after. He got in trouble with her once because I had left a �hi how are you doing� message on his voice mail and she had been listening to his voice mails. NEWS FLASH. IS THAT SOMEONE YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE? They broke up a few times and truthfully when he told me she was pregnant I wasn�t terribly surprised. He wasn�t going the proposal route and they�d been doing their thing for a while� I�m sure the urge to push the issue was overwhelming. He�s doing well financially, he�s the heir to a hugely successful business, and he�s a great guy despite his asshead moments. Since I�ve never met her, my hatred is personal and has nothing to do with who she might be. I�m jealous and I�m pissed about what I assume the situation is. All night I got to watch as she didn�t leave his side and he never touched her. She�s pregnant with his kid and he doesn�t even touch her in any sort of loving fashion. Our recent conversations centered on the fact that he�s �confused and wishes things had been different with us�. Don�t tell me that shit. I don�t want to fucking hear it asshead. You had plenty of opportunity to pull your head out of your bunghole. I love you, you big fat moron. I finally couldn�t put off saying good night any longer. I could have just left but I couldn�t� ya know? I walked up when he was eating and she was talking to someone else 3 feet away and he says, �Jenn you look amazing�. Let me repeat, she was standing 3 feet away. In the one other serious relationship he�s been in, that wouldn�t have happened. Then he gives me the full body press �not friend� hug. WTF?!?!? I brush the feeling off and we chat for a minute she wanders over and I�m immediately just not impressed. She�s not super attractive (but she�s not ugly either.. I mean I would probably be able to get a boner over her if I was a guy) and she had this expression on her face that just rubbed me the wrong way. She shook my hand and when Troy mentioned we�ve been friends since Jr. High she made some sort of flippant comment about a guy we went to school with (that now works for him). It pissed me off and I thought, �who the fuck are you� and Troy even looked at her weird. I had to get out of there so I said good night and he hugged me again and told me to stop in and see him. In front of his bitchy pregnant girlfriend. She looked at him funny. When I turned my back to her in my attempt to walk off he shot me a look like, �god help me� and all I could think was� serves you fucking right asshead. Does she suit your purposes now?

Why do men like these women? Why? I�m nice, attractive, open, honest, fun in and out of bed, and loads of other things and men aren�t interested (or they�re too scared to admit they are, in which case they�re probably not for me anyway). Maybe I�m just too open about my feelings and demand the same in return. Maybe I�m being unrealistic. I don�t fucking know but I flirted with the idea of becoming a lesbian earlier in the evening until I realized they probably have the same damn problems. I think I�m just going to be an uber stalking psycho bitch from now on. That seems to attract men.

/rant off

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