pretty glow

Maybe not so much a lust thing...
...written on 12.09.04, @ 9:56 am

The heart is a funny thing. It takes you to some scary places and makes your whole body shudder at times.

For myself it�s usually a constant battle between brain and heart. I�ve come to understand that I seem to have some sort of man vibe going inside me because I tend to lead more with my head than my heart. I think it�s a combination of many reasons and none of them important for the purposes of this telling. Really like anyone else I�ve let my heart lead me astray in the past and I didn�t like it.

Several things have happened since my last thoughts on Todd. I�ve had a gut check and my heart is starting to win the battle.
I�m historically bad at men and love in general. I�ve had it in my head for years that I needed to wait to get married and that I needed to find someone that would rock my world every day for the rest of my life. I don�t know that I really realized that I had taken my mother�s advise to heart. The same woman that has it in her head that no one will ever be good enough for me had somehow convinced me that I was better off by myself than with anyone �unworthy� in her book. James and I were off and on for 6 years and mainly because of how my mother felt about him. I loved him and I think we could have had a functional relationship in the long run but my mother was poisoning my brain as far as he was concerned. I don�t know that I ever told him that and if I went back and said so now I think it would have this awful snow ball effect and I�d be back to being miserable. Being away from the situation now I have a clearer understanding that in fact he wasn�t for me and I�m better off being without him but the lesson I�ve learned from that is that I can�t let my mother project her ideas onto my love life. I think it�s important that perhaps she actually likes the person I choose but at the same time I have to learn that I have to make the choice and she�ll love me regardless. Which leads me to the reason for this lengthy diatribe about my love life.

When I first started hanging out with Todd he had made it clear that he had never intended to get married or have children. Somehow he had done both in a span of a year and when he sobered up he had realized just how miserable he was and how unfaithful his wife was and he filed for divorce. He also had mentioned that he didn�t intend to wed again. At first I thought �cool� because I wasn�t really sure how I felt and he might only be a passing phase in the �waiting game�. I�ve also never been too sure how I felt about kids and he has one. That was just another point for the �phase� category.

I also noticed that up until a couple of weeks ago I had actually been very clinical in bed with him� sort of emotionally not there. I do that so that I don�t get hurt down the road and I don�t confuse feelings with the physical aspect of it. Last weekend was when I noticed the difference in myself and him as well. This is way more than you wanted to know� but Aunt Flo was in town and rather than call everything off� I was very much willing to please him in any way I could. I was never that way with James. At one point Todd made this playfully frustrated sound and I said, �you�re just upset you can�t make love to me�. It just rolled right off my tongue that way and he said, �I�m glad you finally noticed the difference�. I sort of avoided talking about it because I didn�t want to admit that it had become more than just great sex. He had obviously noticed what I was doing to myself mentally.

After that I noticed myself asking him questions about things that I deem important in my life and where I�m going. He always answers me without hesitation. For instance I think it would suck to end up with someone that doesn�t want to travel. So I�ve been asking questions I never thought to ask before.

Over the weekend we went up to the house he�s going to buy and we measured the rooms and he talked through the things he�d like to do to it. The whole time he kept asking me my opinion and while just the thought that my input was important really scared the shit out of me� it also felt pretty good. I made him look at things in a way he hadn�t thought of before.

He has started saying things in the future tense as far as he and I are concerned and even mentioned that he�d have to add on to the house if he had another child. That startled me and I said, �that�s an interesting comment from someone that isn�t getting married again or having kids�. He shrugged and said, �you never know�.

While we were in Home Depot pricing tile I happened to glance down the aisle to where he was standing, head bent, sideways to me� scribbling some numbers, and I felt my heart roll over. I thought for a moment I was going to be sick but the more I stared at him, the more my heart rate evened out and suddenly I was just calm. This man who borders on redneck, who drives a semi, who has baggage, and who doesn�t resemble what I�d always envisioned myself with had managed to worm his way through whatever armor I still have.

:: | ::
pretty | glow