pretty glow

Notes from home.. Friday
...written on 05.04.04, @ 9:13 am

4/30/04

I meant to update today but there was no sane way it would happen. 4/30 is one of the most hectic days of my year. I have 3 large renewals on 5/1 and 4/30 is our company's fiscal year end. Everything has to be billed and because 5/1 was on a Saturday... all auto id cards, invoices, and binders [think "proof of insurance" but on a larger scale] have to be faxed out before the end of the day. Sheer insanity. It didn't help that Colin and I went out last night... brutal.

As promised... I called Jason last night. I was saved by the fact that he didn't answer and I got to leave a message. It was less scary. Now of course I have to wonder if he's not interested and not going to call. It's dumb really but that's just how it goes. I have extreme rejection issues... and I have no idea what it stems from. I've never even had anyone outright reject me in a way that would make me this way.

Colin and I talked about it briefly last night because it's seriously an issue for me. I think if I told anyone really close to me that I had these deep-seated fears they'd laugh at me. Usually when people describe me... they name all the things associated with an extroverted and outgoing person. I won't disagree... I have no problems talking to people but at the same time I'm just waiting for some inevitable rejection or let down. I wouldn't go so far as to think that there is something wrong with me because I don't think there is but obviously I have some subconscious thing going on. I have a really hard time making the first move where men are concerned because I feel like I'm reading their signals wrong and making an ass out of myself. I'm sure that's probably why I've typically dated people I know... because there's no way I could mistake what they're saying or doing.

On a grander scale I realize that part of it is my feeling that I don't deserve the people in my life or the things they do for me. I can pinpoint when that started though. When my parents forgave me and let me come home at 18 I started feeling like I didn't deserve that from them because of the things I put them through and I've let that feeling spill out across the rest of my life. I have a really hard time with compliments... especially from strangers. Rather than just saying thank you... I typically say something dumb like, "if you say so but thank you". I'm sure it appears that I'm fishing for something further but it's just not the way it is. Sometimes I just wonder why someone would compliment me on something. I've gotten to the point where I say; "I'm really bad at compliments so I'll just say thank you". I did it just today in an email. I'm sure he'll read this and laugh.

So anyway, back to Jason... because that was my point. I'm not going to be upset if he doesn't call. I might wonder why he didn't but it's not like I had a lot invested in it. We shared a couple of moments... and that's that.

Now back to my weird brain thing. The other thing I've noticed is that I recognize the things that people find attractive in me and I agree with them but when they call attention to it by complimenting me it almost feels like I've let my guard down too much. My physical appearance isn't something I can hide. I know that I'm not hard to look at. That's not ego... it's just life. I don't mind those types of compliments quite as much but once someone starts commenting on the things that go on inside me it freaks me out. It's the worst when my mom decides to praise me. It freaks me out to the point of tears most of the time. I think she realizes how uncomfortable it makes me so she's careful about it usually. Other times she gets annoyed with me and makes me really look at myself and that makes things worse. Sometimes I really want to ask her how she sees those things in me when she knows the flipside and knows how awful I was capable of being. I think I never ask because her answer might be my undoing. It's gotten so bad lately that I'm having a hard time staying composed just writing this.

What makes it even more bizarre to me is that I really don't have confidence or self esteem issues for the most part. I know what I am and what I'm capable of. I can objectively list the good and bad things about myself. I walk with my head held high, I am proud of the things I've accomplished in life, I like my life for the most part, and I feel like I have a lot to offer people. I just don't get my brain sometimes.

Wow... that was a downer... sorry... I kind of feel like if I don't write this stuff out I won't ever touch on it again and it's maybe something I need to explore further.

:: | ::
pretty | glow