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Another one bites the dust...
...written on 01.04.05, @ 4:05 pm

I was going to reflect on my past year and analyze all the choices I made but it doesn�t feel right to do so. I think like anyone else I had my downs and my ups. It wasn�t completely shitty, nor was it the best year of my life. I�m beginning to think I really should start evaluating where I�m at in the middle of the year as some sort of reality check. I�m looking at my goals for January and I already know I�m going to have to push some of those back because I haven�t managed to fix my car yet and I can�t take classes if I don�t have money.

I think in terms of my life and my personal growth over the last 27 years� it was the most monumental and important year so far. I always sort of thought that I had that year when I was 21 or possibly 23 but in retrospect it was definitely this last year. I honestly think I learned the most about myself and where I see myself going. It was a big scary year even if you look at it in terms of the physical things I did to myself� then add in the mental side of that and I�m surprised I didn�t completely lose it at some point.

I started off the year in a relationship that had been struggling off and on for 6 years and ended the year in what could be the best relationship of my life. James is not a bad guy but he�s not my guy and I finally had to put my foot down where that was concerned. I was miserable and we lived in a state of distrust. I haven�t talked to him in several months. He may or may not still read here but I�ve given up caring one way or the other. We both screwed that up. Todd is something completely different to me. I can�t quite describe it yet since I�m still lost in the �new relationship� fog. Falling in love was the best Christmas present and the best way to start the new year off. Instead of drunkenly ringing in the new year with the masses� I spent my first minutes of 2005 making love to someone important. You can�t ask for anything better than that.

I started off the year dependent on someone else for living space and ended the year completely on my own. Living with Colin was easy. I paid my rent whenever I wanted to and didn�t have to do much as far as taking care of the place went. I spent the majority of a year there �living� elsewhere so it didn�t much matter. You might say it was a great situation but it didn�t help either one of us. He let me be irresponsible and I let him be an alcoholic. I made the decision to get my own place and while I have to pay my rent on time like every other person, I think it was the best move I�ve ever made. I have ugly furniture, no matching dishes and finally just got silverware but it�s all mine and I love every moment of it.

I cut my hair off in an attempt to get my mother off my back and ended up loving it. I started looking at my health and my weight as a problem and taking actions to fix it. I started worrying about my overall well being.

I took a vacation by myself for a week in a place I�d never been. I rented a car by myself, rented a hotel room by myself and figured out what I wanted out of my time there. I did it all on my own with no help monetarily from anyone. It doesn�t seem like much but it was satisfying knowing I don�t need anyone else. I also realized on that trip that I was ready to grow up just a little. I�m ready to say, �I love you� and mean it for life. I�m ready to share my life with someone else. I�m so grateful that I know I don�t �need� someone but that I �want� someone.

All in all it was a good year for me in the growth respect. When I look at the state of the world today and the horrendous things going on I realize I�m doing pretty damn good.

I hope that everyone has a great year and I look forward to reading all about it.


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