pretty glow

2 years, 3 months, and 2 days to go
...written on 01.07.05, @ 10:55 am

I�ve been struggling for a week to find something meaningful and non-selfish to say to my sister.

I�ve sat through several �going away� dinners and put a happy face on for her sake.

Call me dramatic but I can�t help but feel like part of me is going to be missing.

Last night we had dinner at Danielle�s parent�s house and after eating the best chicken parmesan I�ve had in ages and discussing Jewish food she started playing footsie with me. I realized she was doing it absentmindedly at first but then after she asked if it was my foot she started rubbing my foot in a comforting �I love you� way. It was a gesture my mom would make. There is so much of her in my sister.

She�s almost packed and her luggage weighs in at 65 pounds or so. She has everything from a short wave radio to a mess kit. I have yet to give her the full sized travel towel I found at the army/navy store.

I think the part that bothers me about this the most is that it took this grand thing she�s doing to make me realize I take her presence for granted. I didn�t know I did until she said, �I�m leaving January 9th�. That�s a pretty shitty realization for someone that prides herself on recognizing the importance of her loved ones.

I feel odd that she�s going to do this incredibly humanitarian thing and I�m upset because she�s leaving me. I suddenly feel like I don�t want to share her with anyone else even though I�ve had her all to myself for 23 years. I feel like I want to go with her so that I can protect her. I want to go so I can share this experience with her.

Really I just don�t want her to go. I don�t want to feel my heart break on Sunday. I don�t want to go through the next 2 years without being able to call her to bitch about mom or laugh about my dad�s hearing.

I can�t even type this stupid entry without getting that lump in my throat and the burning behind my eyes and I don�t cry� but I�ll cry my heart out over her�

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pretty | glow