pretty glow

2 years, 3 months, and 2 days to go
...written on 01.07.05, @ 10:55 am

I’ve been struggling for a week to find something meaningful and non-selfish to say to my sister.

I’ve sat through several “going away” dinners and put a happy face on for her sake.

Call me dramatic but I can’t help but feel like part of me is going to be missing.

Last night we had dinner at Danielle’s parent’s house and after eating the best chicken parmesan I’ve had in ages and discussing Jewish food she started playing footsie with me. I realized she was doing it absentmindedly at first but then after she asked if it was my foot she started rubbing my foot in a comforting “I love you” way. It was a gesture my mom would make. There is so much of her in my sister.

She’s almost packed and her luggage weighs in at 65 pounds or so. She has everything from a short wave radio to a mess kit. I have yet to give her the full sized travel towel I found at the army/navy store.

I think the part that bothers me about this the most is that it took this grand thing she’s doing to make me realize I take her presence for granted. I didn’t know I did until she said, “I’m leaving January 9th”. That’s a pretty shitty realization for someone that prides herself on recognizing the importance of her loved ones.

I feel odd that she’s going to do this incredibly humanitarian thing and I’m upset because she’s leaving me. I suddenly feel like I don’t want to share her with anyone else even though I’ve had her all to myself for 23 years. I feel like I want to go with her so that I can protect her. I want to go so I can share this experience with her.

Really I just don’t want her to go. I don’t want to feel my heart break on Sunday. I don’t want to go through the next 2 years without being able to call her to bitch about mom or laugh about my dad’s hearing.

I can’t even type this stupid entry without getting that lump in my throat and the burning behind my eyes and I don’t cry… but I’ll cry my heart out over her…

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pretty | glow