pretty glow

Another one bites the dust...
...written on 01.04.05, @ 4:05 pm

I was going to reflect on my past year and analyze all the choices I made but it doesn’t feel right to do so. I think like anyone else I had my downs and my ups. It wasn’t completely shitty, nor was it the best year of my life. I’m beginning to think I really should start evaluating where I’m at in the middle of the year as some sort of reality check. I’m looking at my goals for January and I already know I’m going to have to push some of those back because I haven’t managed to fix my car yet and I can’t take classes if I don’t have money.

I think in terms of my life and my personal growth over the last 27 years… it was the most monumental and important year so far. I always sort of thought that I had that year when I was 21 or possibly 23 but in retrospect it was definitely this last year. I honestly think I learned the most about myself and where I see myself going. It was a big scary year even if you look at it in terms of the physical things I did to myself… then add in the mental side of that and I’m surprised I didn’t completely lose it at some point.

I started off the year in a relationship that had been struggling off and on for 6 years and ended the year in what could be the best relationship of my life. James is not a bad guy but he’s not my guy and I finally had to put my foot down where that was concerned. I was miserable and we lived in a state of distrust. I haven’t talked to him in several months. He may or may not still read here but I’ve given up caring one way or the other. We both screwed that up. Todd is something completely different to me. I can’t quite describe it yet since I’m still lost in the “new relationship” fog. Falling in love was the best Christmas present and the best way to start the new year off. Instead of drunkenly ringing in the new year with the masses… I spent my first minutes of 2005 making love to someone important. You can’t ask for anything better than that.

I started off the year dependent on someone else for living space and ended the year completely on my own. Living with Colin was easy. I paid my rent whenever I wanted to and didn’t have to do much as far as taking care of the place went. I spent the majority of a year there “living” elsewhere so it didn’t much matter. You might say it was a great situation but it didn’t help either one of us. He let me be irresponsible and I let him be an alcoholic. I made the decision to get my own place and while I have to pay my rent on time like every other person, I think it was the best move I’ve ever made. I have ugly furniture, no matching dishes and finally just got silverware but it’s all mine and I love every moment of it.

I cut my hair off in an attempt to get my mother off my back and ended up loving it. I started looking at my health and my weight as a problem and taking actions to fix it. I started worrying about my overall well being.

I took a vacation by myself for a week in a place I’d never been. I rented a car by myself, rented a hotel room by myself and figured out what I wanted out of my time there. I did it all on my own with no help monetarily from anyone. It doesn’t seem like much but it was satisfying knowing I don’t need anyone else. I also realized on that trip that I was ready to grow up just a little. I’m ready to say, “I love you” and mean it for life. I’m ready to share my life with someone else. I’m so grateful that I know I don’t “need” someone but that I “want” someone.

All in all it was a good year for me in the growth respect. When I look at the state of the world today and the horrendous things going on I realize I’m doing pretty damn good.

I hope that everyone has a great year and I look forward to reading all about it.

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pretty | glow